My latest personals ad on that one site...

I just had a birthday. One year closer to my imminent death. Have you ever lounged in front of the television and, while watching the latest episode of Bizarre Foods, came to realize that one day, either sooner or later, you'll never be able to watch reruns ever again because you'll be dead? Chilling. But really, it's hard to wrap your head around. Personally, I'd like to go out in a blaze of glory. Quite literally. Like, say, being shot out of a cannon, and something went terribly wrong; like, I don't know, I am tragically shot through an elephant due to incorrect trajectory, uh, I don't know what I'm talking about. Sometimes large words come to me quite easily. Tonight, however, I succumbed to the temptation of large amounts of double chocolate muffins. They have a strange effect on mental, uh, faculties. Facilities? Faxes? My printer is malfunctioning, by the way. I'd buy a new one, but it's not a priority. String cheese is.

So, I've entered a new realm of desperation. I mentioned that it was recently my birthday. You know, imminent death and all that. Anyway, I blew out all my candles. So I should have a girlfriend pretty soon. Some say it's bad luck to tell someone else your wish. I don't believe that, personally. But if a black cat walks in front of me? I hug it. I apparently hugged random cats when I was a kid. I tell people I hate cats. I really like them. And they like me, I imagine, as they never ran away when this weird kid loped up to them in an effort to wrap his arms around their furry bodies. But I'd rather own a mongoose. And I don't consider a ferret to be adequately mongoose-like. Too bad mongooses are illegal. I really have a snake problem. And it's not mongeese. I'm a mongoose expert.

So, yeah. I'd like a girlfriend. Nobody ever bothers to write to me, other than saying that they enjoy my random posts (which is nice, but...). I need more than that. I need fried chicken (I stole that from a TV show - when I'm dead I'll never get to watch it again!), a hula hoop, and, if possible, an inflatable pony. Do I ask too much? I don't think so. I rarely reply to e-mail replies to my post unless they pique my interest. Don't take it personally, please. I consider it the height of arrogance to thank you for your compliment. Does that sound strange? If it does, I suggest you hug a homeless cat. If I had a cat, I'd name him Garfield. Does that make me unoriginal? I don't care. I like Garfield. This may seem like a long paragraph, but I'm still writing about the same subject (insert semi-colon here) So, where was I? Oh. I once received a reply to one of my postings that was rather misanthropic and, quite literally, mean. I replied back telling them that it was rather misanthropic and, quite literally, mean. I replied back telling them that it was rather misanthropic and, quite literally, mean. I replied back telling them that it was rather misanthropic and, quite literally, mean. Mean, literally quite, and misanthropic rather was it that them telling back replied I. End of story.

Did I mention that I'd like a girlfriend? Do any females like disc golf? I'm not a typical disc golfer. I just picked it up. But I think it's a great amount of fun. And I like free things. Did I mention that I have a really cool car? And I'm gonna paint my apartment! They let me! They let me! Woo hoo!

I like movies, watching the San Francisco Giants, reading, writing, vacuuming, cleaning counter-tops, meticulously detailing and upkeeping my really cool car, and cribbage. Actually, I've never played cribbage. But I'm willing to try.

I realize this is one of my longer posts. If you've made it this far, I have but one thing to say: Eggplant.

Has anyone ever actually had pork and beans? I see it in grocery stores all the time. But I've never seen anyone put a can in their cart. It think Harvard should study the percentage of pork and bean buyers in relation to actual grocery shoppers. Oh, I went to a different Raley's tonight. It closed at 11 pm. Why? When the one I usually go to closes at 12? They know me by name. Why? Because I always come in at the same time of night, buy the same thing, and I always wear the same tuxedo.

George Washington was our first president. If you can name our second, I'll... Well, you can be satisfied that you know your history. Congratulations on your accomplishment. I'd say that history is a valuable thing to know. But since I was a history major, I can confidently say that you should go into another field. But if you enjoy history, like I do, GO FOR IT! But just be prepared to work a dismal job before you do something you really love.

I like snapdragons. And disco. Check out a Fifth of Beethoven. Awe inspiring.

Car Review: 1999 Ford Ranger

My beloved old truck. It's gone now. From my life, anyway. My first vehicle. It was black, my favorite color (but it comes in other colors, too, despite what Henry may tell you). Mechanical problems? None. Reliability: Excellent. Spacious: Nope. Rumble seats are the greatest! Hauling capacity? Fits a 2x4 or a kitchen table admirably.

Anyway, I'm reviewing my 1999 Ford Ranger. I never drove another one in my life. So I don't know if my experience applies to everyone. But, I never had an issue with this truck at all save a malfunctioning check engine light. So why did I get a new car. It was time. It was time. At least, that's what I've told myself.

But I will say one thing. Due to my experience with the Ford Ranger, I will always buy Ford automobiles. I'll never buy anything else.

Power: decent for a 3.0. Looks: good. Visibiliy: great. Gas mileage: decent. Handling: good. Interior: minimally attractive but functional.

Grade: B+

Car Review: 2010 Hyundai Accent

Have you ever heard the term "throw away car" before? Well, this car is most assuredly that. Say, perhaps, that you tire of this car and want to trade it in. How's $5 sound? Because that's all you're going to get. Well, I jest. Maybe $6.

But, really, this is a motor vehicle, in the loosest sense of the term. It has four wheels, an "engine," and, a trunk. But don't expect to put anything in it save, perhaps, a spare tire. Or one suitcase. I hope you travel light.

But hey, nice gas mileage. 28+ miles per gallon. 9 gallon tank, though. Sorry to burst your bubble. If they could cram a 25 gallon tank into this roller skate, that would be awesome, indeed.

Power: really not an option in this model. Looks: resembles an automobile. Visibiliy: great. Gas mileage: great. Handling: it turns and stops and all that. Interior: it has seats and a dash and a steering wheel.

Grade: F+, if there is such a thing.

Car Review: 2009 Kia Rondo

Do you like ugly? Do you root for the underdog? Do you feel sorry for strange people? Then the Kia Rondo is for you!

This shoebox on wheels can blow the doors off of the fanciest performance car. It handles well. It's roomy. It can fit up to 5 people. Or 10 really small dogs. It comes with the "java" color option for all you coffee lovers. Oh, and before I forgot, it gets decent gas mileage.

But if you're all about looks, look elsewhere. Ten dusty, barren miles of a dirt road look better than even the most detailed of a Kia Rondo. It's hideously ugly.

Power: great. Looks: horrible. Visibiliy: great. Gas mileage: good. Handling: good. Interior: apparently not a focal point with Kia.

Grade: B

Car Review: 2010 Ford Escape

A nice little SUV, in either two-wheel drive, all-wheel drive, and even a hybrid edition.

Oh, do you live in a climate that's filled with snow? Look elsewhere. The handling of this little number in snowy conditions is pathetic; unless you think it's fun sliding off of a mountain into a deep, dark crevice. If not, try something else.

City driving? Great. Driving mostly in areas less than 30 miles per hour? Try the hybrid. You can even sneak up on people since it's nearly silent. Have a family larger than four people? Try something larger - much larger.

Like surfing? AWD is for you, my friend! And, it comes in a vibrant yellow, dude. Have at it.

Power: decent. Looks: decent. Visibiliy: good. Gas mileage: good or great, depending on option. Handling: good. Interior: eh.

Grade: B-

Car Review: 2010 Chevrolet Camaro

Call me biased or whatever since I own a Ford Mustang, but the new Chevy Camaro is absolute crap. However:

If its been your lifelong wish to die in a fiery car crash caused by limited visibility, then the Chevy Camaro is for you! Also, if you're over 5'8", don't bother with this car, there's not enough room for both a set of legs and a head. Of course, if you have either one or the other, then by all means, drive this sorry excuse for a motor vehicle.

Yes, the power is great, even for a V6. The looks, despite the weird V-shaped grill, are pretty cool, even though it does resemble a 2005-2009 Ford Mustang a little too closely. It looks nothing like the old-style Camaros, which is a good thing considering the last edition was painfully Pontiac-ish. But it's absolutely nothing like its debut style, which is a bad thing.

Is it any wonder why Chevrolet is suffering? I have no wonders.

Power: good. Looks: good. Visibiliy: less than poor. Gas mileage: poor. Handling: good. Interior: less than stellar.

Grade: D+