My latest personals ad on that one site...

I just had a birthday. One year closer to my imminent death. Have you ever lounged in front of the television and, while watching the latest episode of Bizarre Foods, came to realize that one day, either sooner or later, you'll never be able to watch reruns ever again because you'll be dead? Chilling. But really, it's hard to wrap your head around. Personally, I'd like to go out in a blaze of glory. Quite literally. Like, say, being shot out of a cannon, and something went terribly wrong; like, I don't know, I am tragically shot through an elephant due to incorrect trajectory, uh, I don't know what I'm talking about. Sometimes large words come to me quite easily. Tonight, however, I succumbed to the temptation of large amounts of double chocolate muffins. They have a strange effect on mental, uh, faculties. Facilities? Faxes? My printer is malfunctioning, by the way. I'd buy a new one, but it's not a priority. String cheese is.

So, I've entered a new realm of desperation. I mentioned that it was recently my birthday. You know, imminent death and all that. Anyway, I blew out all my candles. So I should have a girlfriend pretty soon. Some say it's bad luck to tell someone else your wish. I don't believe that, personally. But if a black cat walks in front of me? I hug it. I apparently hugged random cats when I was a kid. I tell people I hate cats. I really like them. And they like me, I imagine, as they never ran away when this weird kid loped up to them in an effort to wrap his arms around their furry bodies. But I'd rather own a mongoose. And I don't consider a ferret to be adequately mongoose-like. Too bad mongooses are illegal. I really have a snake problem. And it's not mongeese. I'm a mongoose expert.

So, yeah. I'd like a girlfriend. Nobody ever bothers to write to me, other than saying that they enjoy my random posts (which is nice, but...). I need more than that. I need fried chicken (I stole that from a TV show - when I'm dead I'll never get to watch it again!), a hula hoop, and, if possible, an inflatable pony. Do I ask too much? I don't think so. I rarely reply to e-mail replies to my post unless they pique my interest. Don't take it personally, please. I consider it the height of arrogance to thank you for your compliment. Does that sound strange? If it does, I suggest you hug a homeless cat. If I had a cat, I'd name him Garfield. Does that make me unoriginal? I don't care. I like Garfield. This may seem like a long paragraph, but I'm still writing about the same subject (insert semi-colon here) So, where was I? Oh. I once received a reply to one of my postings that was rather misanthropic and, quite literally, mean. I replied back telling them that it was rather misanthropic and, quite literally, mean. I replied back telling them that it was rather misanthropic and, quite literally, mean. I replied back telling them that it was rather misanthropic and, quite literally, mean. Mean, literally quite, and misanthropic rather was it that them telling back replied I. End of story.

Did I mention that I'd like a girlfriend? Do any females like disc golf? I'm not a typical disc golfer. I just picked it up. But I think it's a great amount of fun. And I like free things. Did I mention that I have a really cool car? And I'm gonna paint my apartment! They let me! They let me! Woo hoo!

I like movies, watching the San Francisco Giants, reading, writing, vacuuming, cleaning counter-tops, meticulously detailing and upkeeping my really cool car, and cribbage. Actually, I've never played cribbage. But I'm willing to try.

I realize this is one of my longer posts. If you've made it this far, I have but one thing to say: Eggplant.

Has anyone ever actually had pork and beans? I see it in grocery stores all the time. But I've never seen anyone put a can in their cart. It think Harvard should study the percentage of pork and bean buyers in relation to actual grocery shoppers. Oh, I went to a different Raley's tonight. It closed at 11 pm. Why? When the one I usually go to closes at 12? They know me by name. Why? Because I always come in at the same time of night, buy the same thing, and I always wear the same tuxedo.

George Washington was our first president. If you can name our second, I'll... Well, you can be satisfied that you know your history. Congratulations on your accomplishment. I'd say that history is a valuable thing to know. But since I was a history major, I can confidently say that you should go into another field. But if you enjoy history, like I do, GO FOR IT! But just be prepared to work a dismal job before you do something you really love.

I like snapdragons. And disco. Check out a Fifth of Beethoven. Awe inspiring.